Thursday, December 08, 2005

You've Got A Pretty Good Point But No One Is Going To See It As Long As You Keep Wearing That Hat

I spotted the following editorial while pumping Ironworks BBQ ribs 'tween plate and mouth and because Thursday is pretty much the week's end, I thought you should see.

A while back, I heard a story that will affect you: The average person lives out 75 years. Now, if you multiply 75 years times 52 weeks, you come up with 3,900 weeks of life. That’s it. That’s all the average person has. Then I thought, hell, I’m 58. Which means I have roughly 884 weekends left. Eight hundred and eighty four weeks? Damn! Talk about a wake up call.

Brothers and sisters, it seems it’s all over in the blink of an eye. So let’s be more selfish with who, or where, we spend our precious time. With 884 weekends left, I now only do things that make my heart and soul feel satisfied. I take that trip, buy that car, call that friend, tell that special someone I love them when they least expect it.

Pay attention to the really important things in life. Be the guy who tells the joke, not the recipient of the punch line. Be the predator, not the food source. Gorge yourself at that banquet of life until the only thing left on the table are crumbs. In other words, you’re an army of one. So, it’s up to you to either lead the charge with conquest on your mind... or sound the trumpets of retreat. If you’re reading this magazine, you’re already hitting the ground running. Enjoy the first issue.


Sylvester Stallone wrote this for the premier issue of his mag, Sly. Unfortunately, somebody else was already using the name and despite his weekender savvy it now looks as if his publishing honeymoon is over. Who could possibly deter the powerful and pointless Rambo Balboa you ask? Well, it seems the already existent Sly Magazine. Their enterprise is aimed at style-conscious young women with money to spend while Sylvester's brainchild focuses on fashion and lifestyle for men who believe that life begins at 40. Nice mid-life crisis, meatheads.

All that aside it still doesn't change the math! With x as your age, determine your own your life weekend remainder and then get out there and gorge while the gorging is good.

(75 - x) x 52 = # of parties you will ultimately be able to attend

Oh, and you might lay off the BBQ ribs if you'd prefer some extra parties. All joking aside, I admit I'm partial to, "Be the guy who tells the joke, not the recipient of the punch line." Thanks for the advice, Sylvester. I hear your pain.

19 comments:

G-Dog said...

Trevor is the Rocky of the Vice office!

melissa said...

Only 2700 hundred more parties? I better make them good ones.

john said...

2600!

how did wilt chamberlain ever find the time to sleep with 20,000 women?

bendejo said...

is that algebra? my alegra teacher was sooo fucking hot. using this logic i only have 2,184 parties left. of course being the boorish dick that i am, i am only invited to about 1/month, and sometimes they are on the same day/night, so i'll say i have a legitimate shot at attending 10/parties/year. but i'm also a lazy sod, and will probably only make half... therefore I have 210.

jamie said...

2548 left for me. But who only parties on the weekends? The logic behind this formula is totally flawed.

Anonymous said...

2756. since i am an intern, i have the most parties left. i'm not trying to brag or anything, but it's a simple fact. the truth is, i will be at a party while you are all at your funerals, succas.

sioux said...

algebra is kind of fun... but kinda not.

mine is 2,704... somehow i have more than melissa but she's younger than me... but she smokes so maybe that's why.

pat said...

1768 total
The actual should be around 1656. I removed 3 weekend from each year. 1 weekend wasted on a visit to family where I have to appear responsible, 1
weekend surrendered to illness and 1 weekend where I got too drunk on Thursday and had to recover over the weekend.

edgar burns said...

wow looks like the parties are gonna be mighty dull starting with #1717. Can we please stop the globe from spinning so fast Time is nothing but a dirty trick. I'll miss you all.

I am not going to even attempt to factor in MY mitigating circumstances but perhaps a more complex equation can be created that takes in nights without sleep in the final tally. Though, i suppose that won't boost my numbers now will it.

duffy said...

2704

i'm with sue. how did i get more parties than melissa if she's younger than me?

who is in charge of all of our money again??

Jason said...

The men in my family rarely make it past 45, so I'd have to say I'm looking at 728 weekends left. That would mean something if I had a job.

matt said...

2756 parties left for myself too. But I haven't subtracted the weekends spent towards bible study.

aletheapanda said...

New party math:
Who only parties on the weekend?
(75-29) x 365 = 16,790
Why limit yourself to one party a night?
(75-29) x 730 = 33,580

Czarina de la Oficina said...

Actually, it's 2756. I'm back in, boyss!

I'll see you on the mechanical bull.

El Schwab said...

Measured purely in gross total consumption, I calculate that I will live another 55,000 beers.

shawn said...

2080. But I feel like every year at Vice is pretty much a "dog year" so divide by 7...hmm...carry the 3...

297.

Then factor in that no way am I living to 75, and let's just say: cherish my presence at every party we're at together, and maybe make sure a portable defibrillator is on hand. One never knows.

Spookie said...

By my math, which is far from perfect,I have the opportunity to endure another 2336 "party" weekends. Oh, the counted nights I can waste standing around, guzzling booze, snorting poison, and listening to my wasted friends pontificate about how great their last party weekend was. Joy! Invariably, one of them will bring up fond memories of the dumb shit they did 5 long days ago, giggles will ensue, and some clever ring-leader (EBC3?) will instigate another round of jackassery. Meanwhile, I will ask myself: How do I know these fools? Why I am I wastedly wasting this weekend? Unsure of the answers to my own questions, and already too drunk, I will amble home, miss the exciting stuff like folks peeing on each other in a tub, and wake-up feeling like a soggy shit. That's okay though, I'll still have 2335 joyous party weekends left to get caught up on all the gory details. Which leads me to more math- how many weekends have I wasted partying so far? 998? How many bottles of shampoo will I use in what's left of my inconsequential life? Squares of toilet paper? It just goes on and on....

Bill said...

You can double your numbers if you don't have a real job and start drinking at 10am promptly. Besides the fact that we're using a theory that an Italian made up... a southern Italian, but being the yongest person in all of vice 2808 is my number, fucking fair enough.

jeff said...

i would assume that bill would be drinking before work every day, as its the only way to explain his brash, know-it-all attitude

 

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