Friday, December 02, 2005

The John Martin Experience: A Class Act Waiting to Happen

John Martin is the Emily Post of VICE. And despite being from Maine, John is a Young Republican. His genteel manner belies a penchant for furtively pointing out obvious shortcomings--like when LaWow had his pants down and John Martin told him, "it looks like a penis only smaller." It is this ability to go negative with extreme prejudice at the drop of a hat that has made him a Rumor Mule icon. And his inbred desire to ejaculate even your smallest troubles with hypercritical evaluations is unmatched by anyone save Gavin. Anyway, here is a primer on class he put together for his little brother before sending him off to Northern Maine Community College.

That's about as classy as magazines on top of the toilet.
That's about as classy as matches in the bathroom.
That's about as classy as wearing white socks in church.
That's about as classy as a t-shirt with a button down.
That's about as classy as ketchup on eggs.
That's about as classy as a baseball hat on backwards.
That's about as classy as Italian food.
That's about as classy as being Italian.
That's about as classy as ten cent chicken wings.
That's about as classy as a Quebecois soap opera.
That's about as classy as a Texan wedding.
That's about as classy as sleeping naked.
That's about as classy as skidmarks in the toilet bowl.
That's about as classy as eating dinner in front of the television.
That's about as classy as leaving dishes in the sink.
That's about as classy as Chinese takeout more than once a week.
That's about as classy as tattooed females.
That's about as classy as a salad at a steakhouse.
That's about as classy as light beer at lunch.
That's about as classy as an attitude and a widow's peak.
That's about as classy as a fork in a Chinese restaurant.
That's about as classy as wearing green on Thursday.
That's about as classy as a ripped condom.
That's about as classy as long fingernails.
That's about as classy as bloody nostrils.
That's about as classy as a 14 year old on the birth control pill.
That's about as classy as a mustache on a woman.

So next time you see him out on the town slumped into a turkey dinner or shirtless in some yacht club, say hey to VICE's King of Class, err, the KOC. Oh, and leering? That's class!

8 comments:

dick simmons said...

is that the same guy who wears the martin short fat guy suit in williamsburg? please intervene!

scott martin said...

ray charles:
artist
legend
photographer?

billy said...

Fair enough.

Anonymous said...

JM looks well dressed and happy. The other guy is like "Why are you taking my picture? I just want borrow a van and listen to BOC."

William-III said...

What does the G stand for in John G. Martin? Generally unpleasant? Gently disturbed? Gender confusion? hell, I'm at a loss on this one.

zyklon c said...

other dude is wanting to smoke rock!
JM looks beautiful

brice said...

as a comparison, i would like to see billy's opinions on class. i would imagine it would be something similar. they are so much alike. thats about as classy as a buck toother 4 year old.

LyndonJames said...

The guy should not even joke about
"class" cause he's so money

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