Our Glossy Creation Myth

In an effort to fulfill his dream of bringing VICE Magazine to the world, Gavin McInnes set out once upon a Christmastime to discover new and profitable routes to a Central American jungle’s paper tree plants. The naturally shiny paper reputed to exist in this detached corner of the globe, he alone believed the key to VICE’s worldwide glossiness. And with international success, he foresaw the attendant wine, women, and, well, you get the picture. The 21st century hipsters he invited to join him on this exploration, under the guise of a Christmas celebration in paradise, had little interest in his scheme once revealed. They themselves were only in it for the wine, the women, and well, perhaps a country ton of honk or two.

The hipsters’ offhanded and arrogant dismissal of Gavin and his scheme surprisingly elicited empathy from the natives who worked his family Finca in the Highlands. The natives saw in his otherwise off-puttingly obsessive and arrogant character the mark of a true leader. With a heretofore-unknown understanding of native culture and possessed of a physique unrecognized by primitive man, Gavin was able to enlist their aid. Of course, he had to step up his game. In return, the loyal natives led him to the money trees in question and VICE plunged headfirst into the world domination game. Today - from the mosquito-infested coasts of Nicaragua to the horseshit-stained beaches of Panama - Gavin is known as El Queso Grande; perhaps not sea to shining to sea, but not bad for a punk from Ottawa. During the period in question, and to the benefit of all mankind, Gavin acquired a dedicated and beautiful native lover, Emily Ho-Chunk. (The couple can be seen here together in an undated photo with Gavin's right hand man, Stepped-Up Game.)