Meeting of the Mindless

VICE staffers are under a lot of pressure to look snazzy and original. Successfully ducking Gavin's league of fashion police and DOs & DON'Ts paparazzi only works three days out of seven, so you gotta keep sharp to look sharp. John Martin is our maven, taking to the streets to sniff out the fashion beat. Homeless ensembles are his inspiration: clothes so awesome you live in them!

Behind the Scenes: VICE Records

Whereas once the older Interns cobbled together a creation myth worthy of the Magazine it seems the more media savvy of the front-rowers have put together a little behind the scenes movie about Suroosh Alvi, the point man of Vice Records. Dr. Alvi is a chameleon so masterful that you shan't be surprised if one day you recognize him and one day you don't. That is merely the magic of movin' pictures.

Class-Free Cafeteria Clowns

The shirtless gourmand chimes in again. This time on a VICE birthday lunch. Like Emily Posters?

Number Fucking One: Do not even touch your food until everyone has theirs. Especially when it's a birthday lunch and the birthdayee hasn't received his, even if they say it's ok to. It's a class thing. ADDENDUM: Some say that this rule is nullified if the restaurant has paper napkins instead of linen. A debatable point, but as a matter of class, don't touch the food until all have been served. It makes you look like you grew up in the South.

#2 Ordering an appetizer for your lunch. Last time I checked, Teddy's is not a fucking tapas bar like Avec in Chicago or Cobras & Matadors in LA!

#3 Salting your food before tasting it. Classic rookie move, most likely the product of a childhood culinary wasteland involving cube steak and Bok Choy. Blame the parents.

#4 Floridian table Jenga. Never rearrange the tables like a Rubic's cube. Scumbags who have never toiled in the service industry feel they have the right to do this.

#5 Same type of dickheads who write down their orders on the menu and hand it to the waitress.

#6 Bad orders. Crab cakes as a main? Only in Maryland or Alaska. Chicken? Only if it's Teddy's Fried Chicken. Vegetarian options? Please leave the table. You have no lust for life.

#7 No napkin in lap. More poor parenting. Also goes along with wearing a hatat the table. What is this, a little league picnic? Scumbags.

#8 Visible, multicolored tattoos. No explanation needed.

#9 Long hair. Come on now, brothers are not supposed to be sisters.

And in summation:
If you're looking for a classy lunch time experience avoid Teddy's and avoid VICE. You may be wondering what happened to the logical number #10 on this list. We'll it seems that after the aforementioned starch on starch fest, the shirtless one nodded out at the keyboard immediately after penning #9. The quite natural reaction of a body shutting down after having injested 2 pounds of fried potatoes, 8 tablespoons of salt and a pint fancy catsup in additon to a 3/4 pound beef burger.BlackedOuted Boysssss

JOHN MARTIN BITES BACK IN RESPONSE TO THE COMMENTS

Hey assholes, here is the fucking #10 I was dreaming up when the carbo coma spun me out.

#10 The ATM Rule aka the Melissa and Jake rule. If you are short on cash, it's ok. Just go to the ATM after you order, or before you go into the restaurant. Not when the bill comes. That's about as classy as Bill. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Elbows on the table are acceptable. That rule is antiquated, and some say racist even.

I. Oedipal Ex

Canadian boys love their mothers, but when they started including them in the free porn perks, our minds were blown. It must be said, however, that LaWow's momma done trained her boy better than the rest of these Cannucks. Not only did he remember mumsy on a day not decreed a Hallmark Special Day of Remembrance, but he placed the thoughtful gift in a classy lavender Bergdorf Goodman bag (the subliminal messaging is right on: good son, Goodman). Multi-disc DVD blow job collections have no place in the classic American mom gift bag, but our sexy friends from north of the border apparently see nothing wrong with sharing the self-love with the family. Perhaps a pre-dinner bonding/bondage activity at LaWow's ancestral home is sitting around whacking off and discussing whether to have gravy on the poutine or not. Must be the French influence. I wonder why there isn't a gift bag for Pops? Unless LaWow heeded the age old Oedipal call and whacked off a family member in addition to his own...

Abandoned Apartment Complex & Other Mental Illin's

This past Saturday, select members of the VICE Magazine Adventure Field Trip team voyaged out to the Hamptons via the hospitality of our buddies at WE Clothing. The festivities were attended by downtown demagogues and Ludlow Street luminaries like Erik Lavoie and his buddies Ricky Powell, Kid Millionaire DJ Steve Aoki, Ben Dietztails, and of course, ex-Vicer gone bad: Mike Malbon.

Things got off to quite a start on the bus ride out, as we drank bubbly and danced to the sweet sounds of the Wu Tangs Clan. Luckily we brought our own Raprican American, Big Pinky to bridge the necessary cultural divides between us working stiffs and the Ludlow Street Luminaries in the back of the bus. Well hydrated by the 1-2 H20 punch of Poland Spring and Subway sandwiches, we really roared into the Hamptons. Upon arrival in the parking lot of the Pink Elephant, Blain VanDenBerg began slapping cans of Silver Bullet and Bud Ice out of people's hands like they were Aroostook County blackflies. You can take the babes out of Florida but... you get my drift.

Slapping stopped and clapping commenced when the ponytailed Brit event planner showed up blatantly test driving a Ferrari. (Side note: this guy could not and would not stop touching Trace Crutchfield's toes, he was Christened 'Toe Shaker') Anyway parking lot antics of the Downtown Crowd convinced 'Toe Shaker' to forego letting the VICE A-Team loose on his rented beachside mansion. So the the party moved to the inside grotto of the Pink Elephant - imagine an abandoned apartment complkex on the side of any highway in America with a kiddie pool in the middle and some sand and Viola! You have the hottest club in Southampton. WTF?

After settling into the our custom VICE VIP area, we had our first encounter with Toronto Mike (thankfully not pictured). Now, as most regular Rumor Mule readers know, most posts here are good natured and have their tongue firmly planted in cheek. Let's digress from that for a moment and make one thing perfectly clear: Toronto Mike is the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the Earth. It would be a better place if he did not exist. It started off bad, and got even worse. He starts pissing next to our table, which led to the comment 'Wow, Mike, it looks like a penis only smaller'. This sorry excuse for a turd then proceeds to bum out everyone at the party. Pissing, slapping, racist 'roid raging, boardshorts, creepy jock date rapist vibe, he really had it all. Luckily, our man Martin was able to go Tit-For-Slap with this Cannuck. The pinnacle was him getting kicked off the bus heading back to the city by Kid Millionaire for infractions too nefarious to note. The strange issue in all of this, is his familiarity with VICE's own Erik Lavoie and Liz Cowie. One could even say that they are friends perhaps? I wouldn't be surprised if our own Candians tried to distance themselves from this north of the border piece of shit.

When the toe shaking had ended and the dust had finally settled into the frilly confines of hipster moustaches, one thing was obvious: we had a great time with WE. Those who made their own fun had a blast. Those few Grumpy Guys who whined were obviously NOT part of the VICE domination of the festivities. A big thanks goes out to Eric, Eric, Greger, Jim and everyone else at WE!

Interns of a Feather

Bensonhurst Bill and Upper East Side Rya are VICE's two most audible interns of recent memory. Perhaps it's their shared upbringing in the metropolitan jungle, or maybe they both had parents that were hard of hearing. The dynamic duo finally met up at the VICE Photo Issue party last Monday. This photo would look best in a heart shaped frame, on a bedside table, somewhere in Weehawken. Also of note: Bill's two beers and Rya's 'I just met my internship spiritual predecessor' smile of joy.

Like Parties? Come see them in all their tongue wagging glory this Friday night.

The Secret Lives of Val Kilmer

Who is the mystery man bowling about town and then writing his name on the walls of hipster dives? Val Kilmer himself or a David Cross body double? A deranged fan or maybe Tony Barbieri even? Apparently the culprit is in the good graces of VICE's own Liz Cowie. Which begs the question, is the graffitist none other than Liz herself? Will the real Val Kilmer please stand up?

The Blackest Lips

This is Pete Doherty holding one of our Scandinavian editor's Sonics albums this weekend in Stockholm. If you live in the region you've probably already seen this picture to death, but for those of you outside the Swedish tabloids' sphere of influence here's what they've been gabbin' about. After playing at the Hultsfred Festival in Sweden last Friday and getting slightly busted for some coke he was carrying around in his bloodstream, Doherty and crew beat feet for Stockholm, met up with the Black Lips, and convinced them to let Babyshambles open at their gig the next night. Accounts are pretty sketchy across the board, but we can be reasonably sure at least a couple of the following things occurred:

-halfway through Pete's set, the club management cut power to the stage and told the house DJ to "get the disco going;"
-amid the din of a couple hundred angry Babyshambles fans and his own bassist tearing around the club in search of a mic input, Pete cruised over to the DJ booth, stuck his hand blindly into the crate, and came up with "Who's Got the Crack?"
-once the Black Lips went on, Pete stuck around to do a couple songs with them, then was pulled off stage by a security guard and the owner of, according to our Scandi editor, the best illegal bar in Sweden (see photo below);
-once the Black Lips went on, Pete stuck around to do a couple songs with them, then made off with a pair of girls from the sidestage and one of the Lips' guitars;
-after either being kicked out of the club or leaving of his own volition with a stolen guitar, Pete spent the evening terrorizing girls in Stockholm's Old Town like one of the drunken robots from the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disney World.

Only time will tell which bullets deserve smiley "truth" faces next to them and which warrant frownies, but, then again maybe it won't. Maybe the cover of tomorrow's Expressen will have Doherty and the Lips on its cover shaking hands with the mayor in Helsinki with all their guitars visible and a timestamp for Saturday night. It's sort of hard to keep any item from turning into fucking Rashoman when its central players include a guy who may have ripped out his own naltrexone implant, four guys whose signature stage move is pissing in each other's mouths and who have an axe to grind with stolen equipment in Scandinavia, and about 30 rabid paparazzos in one of the most press-starved regions of Europe. Then again, it's also pretty hard when you're kind of like, "Eh, whatever."

To see a moving picture of this co-mingling of fucked up minds, click here!

Construction Junction

Today I found myself for reasons too complicated to explain on a construction job site. And as usual there was radio playing some classic rock bullshit like, for example, the song "Rocky Mountain Way" by Joe Walsh. Just putrid shite. Well there were some Brooklyn hipsters there selling ads and there were some Canadian carpenters as well. At one point, "Hot Legs" by Rod Stewart came on and the ad reps started to giggle. They were sitting at their desking IM'ing god knows who and instantly the Canadians turned to them and said, "What's the matter? You guys don't like Rod Stewart?" And in turn, the hipster leader John Martin said, "Fuck no we don't like him. I heard they pumped a quart of cum out of his stomach one time!" Haha

Nice use of an old urban legend I thought to freak out the Canadian carpenters. Score one for ad selling hipsters. But I guess those guys had heard this all before and in response they told John Martin, "Yea, that's why we LIKE him. We were at that party!" That was just about the funniest moment of life today. God damn that was a good one. Canadian carpenters rule. And does anybody else notice the resemblance to LaWow?

Operation Condor

This is the text of a certified but fake letter concocted for giggles after a debaucherous visit to NYC by Mr Flakebower. It's certified date marked the beginning of the incessant lawyering associated with legal treachery. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.



Mr. Jameson Flakebower
**** Newtown
South Austin, TX

May 23, 2006

Dear Mr. Flakebower:

This letter serves to inform you that you have been identified in surveillance tapes as being in criminal possession of a suspected controlled substance.

In compliance with New York City’s “Operation Condor” narcotics enforcement drive, surveillance cameras have been installed at Blue Ribbon Sushi Restaurant as one of the known locations where public drug use occurs. On the evening of Sunday, April 2, 2006, you were captured on tape inhaling what appears to be a controlled substance. Our staff members identified you in conjunction with credit card records.

Blue Ribbon Sushi, as well as all of the Blue Ribbon restaurants in New York City, are proud to participate in narcotics enforcement. Bruce and Eric Bromberg, founders of the Blue Ribbon Group, were deeply saddened by the loss of their younger sister, Emily, to an overdose of heroin in 2004, and have since fully enlisted themselves in the fight against drugs, both at their restaurants, and in their daily lives.

As a resident of Austin, TX you are not a core target for the narcotics enforcement operation. Therefore, we have referred your case to the Travis County Drug Diversion Court in Texas.

It is your responsibility to contact the intake counselor assigned to your case, Geri Coyle, at (512)
854-9830, where you will be given “A Chance to Change” and enrolled in the S.H.O.R.T. program (System of Healthy Options for Release and Transition). The Travis County Drug Diversion is located at 205 West 9th St., Suite 500, Austin, TX.

The Drug Diversion Court is a year-long program that offers a broad array of treatment referrals and in-house alcohol and drug education classes. Any and all charges will be dropped with the successful completion of the S.H.O.R.T. Program.

It is imperative that you contact your intake counselor, Geri Coyle, lest criminal charges be levied against you. If you fail to comply with this mandate, Blue Ribbon Restaurant Group will proceed with legal action. This proceeding will also target your business, and any property you might own.

It is the belief of Bruce and Eric that their sister could have been saved by the right intervention, and they encourage all drug users to seek treatment and take self-responsibility for becoming and remaining drug free.

I hope you will seek help, Mr. Flakebower, before your career, your family and your life is ended by drugs.

Sincerely,

Chloe Hopkins
Community Relations
Blue Ribbon Sushi Group

When the Honeymoon Is Really Over

We all know breaking up is hard to do. And becauseVICE is harder on relationships than a South Beach swingers club many of our love lives are teetering perilously over the brink (private wagering is encouraged) I decided a few hints might make the heartache a bit easier to swallow. Like gulping? Unless you're a lucky participant of some intern romance turned happily-ever-after, breakups are an unavoidable part of our lives. And while it's up to you to decide your individual breakup style, if you want to avoid future bad relationship karma, and limit the tantrums, you'll adopt a few breakup basics--especially if your boyfriend has more X-chromosomes than you. Just keep your eye on the prize and remember that a clean split can be more rewarding than the relationship ever was. Just ask Heather Mills.

STEPS

1. Pick an appropriate place. The less public, the better. Remember, ending a relationship is a humbling experience. Don't do it in a place where the person on the receiving end is going to feel more vulnerable than necessary.
   
2. Choose the right time. Avoid holidays and special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries at all costs. Do you really want your ex remembering your insensitivity every time that day rolls around?
   
3. Do it in person. If the relationship is relatively new, maybe you can get away breaking up over the phone. But come on, if you've been out on more than a handful of dates, isn't that kind of harsh?
   
4. Be honest but sensitive. No one likes to get dumped. But we at least appreciate the truth when it's over. Unless, of course, the truth is you've stopped finding us attractive, you've met someone better, or that you're just plain bored with us.
   
5. Keep your emotions in check. Don't seem too happy about the breakup. But then again, don't come off as mean-spirited either. Just be kind, caring, and considerate. You can high five your friends later.
   
6. Don't react. Some people don't handle rejection well. Some people yell, scream, cry. Yes, that sucks. But it doesn't mean you should react to their meltdown. Remember, rejection is tough. You've already got the upper hand by being the dumper. Let the dumpee behave ridiculously if they choose to. And if their tantrum escalates, get the heck out of there.
   

TIPS

• If you handle yourself well during the breakup, chances are you'll avoid any hard feelings with your ex. And while that may not seem so important at the time, it's vital to your future relationship karma!
  
• The term "break-up" implies a hard stop. But, often, a break-up is really a change in the nature of a relationship, where friendship remains, but a closer physical connection, and a desire to build a life together, is taken away. Try to look at breaking up in a more positive way, and see how it can transform your relationship.
  
• Think about why you want to break up with them (i.e. you may suspect/hear rumors that they are cheating on you). Ask them FIRST. Everybody hates when you break up with them for a reason that isn't even true.
  
• Think about how maybe if you want out, they might too. Ask them where they think it's going. If something is making being together painful tell them that being together is hurting you. (i.e long distances)
  

WARNINGS

• Weigh in carefully on your decision to break up, without analyzing it to death. Is this really what your heart wants? You may not be able to reverse your decision once it's made, and may burn bridges in the process. Could you forgive yourself if you broke up with the man/woman of your dreams?

• Avoid Cliches. If the person has heard it before it may come off as insensitive.

VICE Sneakeasy

This morning the shoe fairy, disguised in UPS browns, delivered four large boxes to our office. Inside were probably the most personality-appropriate shoes we’ve ever seen. Classic adidas shoes made of white denim and goat leather, and inspired by the Old Blue Last, our pub in London. They have a pink pinstripe lining which corresponds to a fabric from our Spring 2006 shirt line with Seize Sur VICE. Plus, you can choose either pink laces for tennis dates or white laces for cultured catered affairs. Like fancy pants?

Goat leather and white denim aside, our favorite part of the shoes is the custom powder and straw set! The laces have tiny silver straws emblazoned with the VICE logo and a matching, functional VICE razorblade. We wouldn’t be surprised if there are a few bloody septums on Monday-—especially the interns’. Watch the drips!

Our snow white shoes were designed by Mr. Gavin McInnes - and curious viewers can see his explanation of the design (as well as footage from the day last August when the photoshoot had everyone in pink panties!) here. Jealous much? The VICE adicolor Old Blue Last edition will be available at adidas Originals stores and selected other outlets on May 20th.

Fat Bottom Girls Get on Your Bikes and Ride

You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don't wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate
Cos all I want to do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle

Yacht Out With Your Cock Out

Our US Navy boys are coming home from Iraq drapped in bathing beauties just like the old time heroes did after V-E Day. The only difference is the men look a little softer and pinker than in they did back in the 40's. But then again not much call for sailors in Iraq so maybe it is a pretty cush deployment. The dames, however--Ou la la! Like friggin in the riggin?

Blind Leading The Blind

If your pay checks are signed by S. Alvi and R. Bisson then you are family. Whether you are employed by VICE Magazine, VICE Recordings, or Addvice, you are still a representative of the VICE family name. However, as with every family there is always sibling rivalry. Although unspoken, everyone knows that an unbridled pissing match between VICE Magazine’s ad sales team and Addvice’s staff has raised bars but also caused riffs. The tension is palpable.

But when the shit hits the fan, the old adage “blood is thicker than water” has never rung so true at VICE. The most recent display of filial camaraderie comes in the wake of the Toronto Adicolor party where a very austere and very sauced Sarah Wyse of Addvice was forced to throw out a couple of party goers. Literally. The ensuing action resulted in Sarah grabbing a blind girl by the scruff and hurling her down a flight of stairs. Apparently the blind girl is crying discrimination and abuse but we think she’s really crying sour grapes from getting her ass handled. The general public may frown upon such actions but here at VICE we applaud Sarah’s decision to trounce the disabled and will support her through thick and thin. Go Sarah.

Yanked Cranks

When I spotted this article about Tom Cruise in the paper, what caught my eye was the diabolical character in the bottom right photo. The so-called #1 Fan is wearing a shirt emblazoned with the caption "Yes Suri" above depiction of the Cruise - Holmes hybrid -- WHICH IS INSANE. Reportedly, he was also walking around with a sign proclaiming "Yahtzee!" The thing I don't understand is that with Jake Byrd on Kimmel all the time, how could the Post have been duped into running this picture and the hilarious caption? And the answer: The people at the New York Post are idiots. But for a paper that is a $.25 litter box liner what can you expect!? Hah!


But I can't get over the feeling that Jake B and I have met someplace before. You know the feeling when you see someone you can't quite place -- like someone you once bought pot from, or the madman in the bar with the wig and painted moustache? Plus his voice reminds me of a sock puppet over a speaker phone.

Crank Yankers Niles Standish sounds just like Windy City Heat's John Quincy Adams and Tony Barbieri looks surprisingly like Mole if Jake Byrd was up on the weed. Like putting on?

A Day That Will Live In Infancy

Friday, September 5th 2003

Probably one of the more auspicious dates in VICE lore. Many staff members and hangers-on had convened in downtown San Diego for the VICE ASR party. As the photographic evidence shows, there's a slightly less cholesterolic Erik Lavoie beginning the courtship of Favourite Sons' Matt Werth.


It was the night that our leader drank a disputed 99 beers, proclaimed Your Enemies Friends the best band ever and promised them a record deal on VICE Records. Whoops, sorry!

The night was also notable for being the hiring of Ambassador Thrash by a trashed Lavoie! Note a very LA-ish Thrash in the background behind the lovely Berrin, and who is that next to him? Perhaps the genesis of Blackoutman, and a subsequent Smithian threatened employment termination.


Perhaps the cherry on top, was the deal closing by our Canadian friend of a very great client.

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Stay Outta MySpace

The very fabric of the VICE brand is predicated on the young, the social and the attractive. It's no surprise, then, that the said VICE brand employs the crème de la crème of hipster socialites with good genes. Minus a couple that slipped through the cracks (presumably hired for their ad sales prowess rather than their diminutive looks), the majority of VICE staffers are easy on the eyes. Even one of the Big Three was rumored to have doled out pink slips to employees that weren't attractive enough. It was maintained that your physical appearance falls directly in line with brand integrity.

And who knows brand integrity and attractiveness better than VICE's very own Canadian Marketing Manager Ryan Archibald? The strapping young Archie, already known for being "smoother than a gravy sandwich", has taken "networking" and "romance" to a whole new level. With a MySpace profile that boasts a Top 8 consisting of all-female Vice/Addvice employees, it's safe to assume that Mr. Archibald is on the prowl. And not for the next Dov Charney.

The most recent exchange was a steamy-make-you-blush chain of messages to a very amorous and very New York-stationed addvice staffer professing his love for all things VICE, but more importantly, all things female. One can only wonder where this will lead. More secret trips to the Rotten Apple? Dedicated online radio playlists? Romantic walks in the park? Who knows? But it does beg this question: how do the other Top 7 VICE females feel about this? From his west coast cutie right down to addvice's head honcho, it’s safe to say this recent succession of events will leave a sour taste in many mouths...amongst other things. Like jealousy?

Dusted Emotions

Associate publisher-cum-daily nosediver Erik Lavoie has recently gained notoriety and derision for his conversation skills, or lack thereof. His vacant response to seemingly innocent questions often comes out as a prolonged, starry-eyed 'maaaaayyyyyybeee'. Far from a canned response, this is legitimately the essence of Lavoie: he is perpetually on the fence; half in the closet, half out-- always powdered, though.

Our intrepid whizkid Encyclopedia Brown came up with this great graphic to illustrate how 'maaaybeee' is less an expression of indecisiveness, and more a statement about Lavoie's life. As you can see, he's well past the peak which was the Erik Lavoie issue, and is well into his golden years of decline. Maaaaaaayyyyyybeeeeee........

Mmmm.....Baby! or Would You Like A Side of VICE With That, Mr. Cruise?

Looks like the trend-setters here at VICE have done it again! Tom Cruise is licking his buck-toothed chops over the prospect of eating his baby's placenta. If only Mr. Cruise had swapped recipes with VICE's Mr. Crutchfield earlier, the height-challenged actor might have gained some precious inches from the placenta protein infusion. Mr. Crutchfield stands at a towering 6' 4", thanks in no small part to digesting the nutrient-rich bloody baby bags. Once acquiring a taste for them, I'm sure the vampirish actor will have no problem procuring more: scion skins will surely be the sacrifice of choice among the Scientology mummies!