Thursday, May 18, 2006

When the Honeymoon Is Really Over

We all know breaking up is hard to do. And becauseVICE is harder on relationships than a South Beach swingers club many of our love lives are teetering perilously over the brink (private wagering is encouraged) I decided a few hints might make the heartache a bit easier to swallow. Like gulping? Unless you're a lucky participant of some intern romance turned happily-ever-after, breakups are an unavoidable part of our lives. And while it's up to you to decide your individual breakup style, if you want to avoid future bad relationship karma, and limit the tantrums, you'll adopt a few breakup basics--especially if your boyfriend has more X-chromosomes than you. Just keep your eye on the prize and remember that a clean split can be more rewarding than the relationship ever was. Just ask Heather Mills.

  1. Pick an appropriate place. The less public, the better. Remember, ending a relationship is a humbling experience. Don't do it in a place where the person on the receiving end is going to feel more vulnerable than necessary.
  2. Choose the right time. Avoid holidays and special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries at all costs. Do you really want your ex remembering your insensitivity every time that day rolls around?
  3. Do it in person. If the relationship is relatively new, maybe you can get away breaking up over the phone. But come on, if you've been out on more than a handful of dates, isn't that kind of harsh?
  4. Be honest but sensitive. No one likes to get dumped. But we at least appreciate the truth when it's over. Unless, of course, the truth is you've stopped finding us attractive, you've met someone better, or that you're just plain bored with us.
  5. Keep your emotions in check. Don't seem too happy about the breakup. But then again, don't come off as mean-spirited either. Just be kind, caring, and considerate. You can high five your friends later.
  6. Don't react. Some people don't handle rejection well. Some people yell, scream, cry. Yes, that sucks. But it doesn't mean you should react to their meltdown. Remember, rejection is tough. You've already got the upper hand by being the dumper. Let the dumpee behave ridiculously if they choose to. And if their tantrum escalates, get the heck out of there.


  • If you handle yourself well during the breakup, chances are you'll avoid any hard feelings with your ex. And while that may not seem so important at the time, it's vital to your future relationship karma!
  • The term "break-up" implies a hard stop. But, often, a break-up is really a change in the nature of a relationship, where friendship remains, but a closer physical connection, and a desire to build a life together, is taken away. Try to look at breaking up in a more positive way, and see how it can transform your relationship.
  • Think about why you want to break up with them (i.e. you may suspect/hear rumors that they are cheating on you). Ask them FIRST. Everybody hates when you break up with them for a reason that isn't even true.
  • Think about how maybe if you want out, they might too. Ask them where they think it's going. If something is making being together painful tell them that being together is hurting you. (i.e long distances)

  • Weigh in carefully on your decision to break up, without analyzing it to death. Is this really what your heart wants? You may not be able to reverse your decision once it's made, and may burn bridges in the process. Could you forgive yourself if you broke up with the man/woman of your dreams?

  • Avoid Cliches. If the person has heard it before it may come off as insensitive.


birdsareboring said...

Holy shit! Stockbauer and the G-Dawg's wife broke up!?

shawn said...

Did someone's heart get broken recently? If so, I'm sorry.

If not, well, this is easily the gayest post in the history of the Mule.

Nick Chen-Yin said...

like yawning?

Anonymous said...

are you kidding me? why don't you do it like you usually do and just quit calling. or go to "scandinavia". that seems to work well for you.

Anonymous said...

why pussyfoot around? send a text message and be through with it

Anonymous said...

the newest member of the VICE singles club: me

this post couldn't have been more apropriate.

signed - missty c berlino


the running mule

the running mule