Friday, July 28, 2006

Class-Free Cafeteria Clowns

The shirtless gourmand chimes in again. This time on a VICE birthday lunch. Like Emily Posters?

Number Fucking One: Do not even touch your food until everyone has theirs. Especially when it's a birthday lunch and the birthdayee hasn't received his, even if they say it's ok to. It's a class thing. ADDENDUM: Some say that this rule is nullified if the restaurant has paper napkins instead of linen. A debatable point, but as a matter of class, don't touch the food until all have been served. It makes you look like you grew up in the South.

#2 Ordering an appetizer for your lunch. Last time I checked, Teddy's is not a fucking tapas bar like Avec in Chicago or Cobras & Matadors in LA!

#3 Salting your food before tasting it. Classic rookie move, most likely the product of a childhood culinary wasteland involving cube steak and Bok Choy. Blame the parents.

#4 Floridian table Jenga. Never rearrange the tables like a Rubic's cube. Scumbags who have never toiled in the service industry feel they have the right to do this.

#5 Same type of dickheads who write down their orders on the menu and hand it to the waitress.

#6 Bad orders. Crab cakes as a main? Only in Maryland or Alaska. Chicken? Only if it's Teddy's Fried Chicken. Vegetarian options? Please leave the table. You have no lust for life.

#7 No napkin in lap. More poor parenting. Also goes along with wearing a hatat the table. What is this, a little league picnic? Scumbags.

#8 Visible, multicolored tattoos. No explanation needed.

#9 Long hair. Come on now, brothers are not supposed to be sisters.

And in summation:
If you're looking for a classy lunch time experience avoid Teddy's and avoid VICE. You may be wondering what happened to the logical number #10 on this list. We'll it seems that after the aforementioned starch on starch fest, the shirtless one nodded out at the keyboard immediately after penning #9. The quite natural reaction of a body shutting down after having injested 2 pounds of fried potatoes, 8 tablespoons of salt and a pint fancy catsup in additon to a 3/4 pound beef burger.BlackedOuted Boysssss


Hey assholes, here is the fucking #10 I was dreaming up when the carbo coma spun me out.

#10 The ATM Rule aka the Melissa and Jake rule. If you are short on cash, it's ok. Just go to the ATM after you order, or before you go into the restaurant. Not when the bill comes. That's about as classy as Bill. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Elbows on the table are acceptable. That rule is antiquated, and some say racist even.


Anonymous said...

I think it's funny that John Martin wrote this but still eats with his elbows on the table...

auntie mame said...

Isn't that the same young man who passed out in his mashed potatoes last Thanksgiving?

Julia Childmolester said...

In defense of our mr martin, It's not a bad list for one who was self-taught in etiquette. And elbows on the table hardly matter when one is Lean Cuisineing in an armchair regaling his dining companion with ribald commentary. It's not like the television minds.

cnnlive said...

whats wrong with cube steaks?

oh and was there mention of the old, oh i have to find the atm when the bill comes, and then you sit and wait for like ten minutues, while the suspicious busboy glares at you as if your joke about eating and running was in bad taste

there was some confusion over the tip, mb thought john doubled up the tip (party over six) because he had class...he goes out to eat all the time and must know these things she rationalized...amazing that people hold him still in such regard...

when i pointed the double tip out to john his immediate response was, well did you grab the extra money back...

when told about the assumption that it was an act of class and a sign of man who knows his way around culinary establishments of high taste, he burped and explained that he was not focused while he was paying the bill and doing his arithmetic. though he seemed cool to me at the time, he was sweating and getting dizzy due to what he believes was spoiled mayo, and his burger was making it was back up his throat as he was attempting to carry the one...barely getting to the bathroom in time to purge the demonic beef

disillusionment is hard sometimes...

martha stweart said...

by the way, what about salt and pepper on steak fries?

or do i need to try those before i add s&p?

it's sue said...

john martin is about as classy as eating a slice of pizza and a beef patty for lunch


the running mule

the running mule