The shirtless gourmand chimes in again. This time on a VICE birthday lunch. Like Emily Posters?
Number Fucking One: Do not even touch your food until everyone has theirs. Especially when it's a birthday lunch and the birthdayee hasn't received his, even if they say it's ok to. It's a class thing. ADDENDUM: Some say that this rule is nullified if the restaurant has paper napkins instead of linen. A debatable point, but as a matter of class, don't touch the food until all have been served. It makes you look like you grew up in the South.
#2 Ordering an appetizer for your lunch. Last time I checked, Teddy's is not a fucking tapas bar like Avec in Chicago or Cobras & Matadors in LA!
#3 Salting your food before tasting it. Classic rookie move, most likely the product of a childhood culinary wasteland involving cube steak and Bok Choy. Blame the parents.
#4 Floridian table Jenga. Never rearrange the tables like a Rubic's cube. Scumbags who have never toiled in the service industry feel they have the right to do this.
#5 Same type of dickheads who write down their orders on the menu and hand it to the waitress.
#6 Bad orders. Crab cakes as a main? Only in Maryland or Alaska. Chicken? Only if it's Teddy's Fried Chicken. Vegetarian options? Please leave the table. You have no lust for life.
#7 No napkin in lap. More poor parenting. Also goes along with wearing a hatat the table. What is this, a little league picnic? Scumbags.
#8 Visible, multicolored tattoos. No explanation needed.
#9 Long hair. Come on now, brothers are not supposed to be sisters.
And in summation:
If you're looking for a classy lunch time experience avoid Teddy's and avoid VICE. You may be wondering what happened to the logical number #10 on this list. We'll it seems that after the aforementioned starch on starch fest, the shirtless one nodded out at the keyboard immediately after penning #9. The quite natural reaction of a body shutting down after having injested 2 pounds of fried potatoes, 8 tablespoons of salt and a pint fancy catsup in additon to a 3/4 pound beef burger.BlackedOuted Boysssss
JOHN MARTIN BITES BACK IN RESPONSE TO THE COMMENTS
Hey assholes, here is the fucking #10 I was dreaming up when the carbo coma spun me out.
#10 The ATM Rule aka the Melissa and Jake rule. If you are short on cash, it's ok. Just go to the ATM after you order, or before you go into the restaurant. Not when the bill comes. That's about as classy as Bill. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Elbows on the table are acceptable. That rule is antiquated, and some say racist even.