Fountains of Youth

When you are the leaders of a youth culture revolution it’s important for you to be able to relate to your core constituents. Simple enough, you say — kids know everything about kids. But people age in the fetid air of New York City at a rate equivalent to dog years, and when a VICE-based lifestyle is added to the equation, you had better adjust. This Dorian Gray-be-gone picture of Gavin and Suroosh taken last weekend shows how incredibly they have turned back a clock that once seemed a runaway train. Sadly, Shane’s photo is not quite so peachy, but soon he too will be the picture of dazzling vigor, thanks to the newly launched VICE Fountain of Youth. The discovery of a Guru named Jason while on retreat in Costa Rica led the Big Three to consider reversing their holistic fortunes.

Accordingly, a new health regimen is being implemented in the NYC office. Daily colonics are now mandatory, and in an unusual nod to privacy, a shower curtain has been hung. A full time wheatgrass extraction technician has been hired to administer that particular lawn clipping-based restorative, massage therapists are rubbing and cajoling everyone from addVice to VICE Records back to their youthful days of yore— kneading hangovers from livers and negative thoughts from psyches. Dietician-mandated Fresh Direct orders stream in as cases of smoked tempeh, firm tofu, arugula, walnuts and legumes of every shape and stripe are stacked from floor to ceiling around the office, forming a Burning Man-ish village of eco-cubicles. An ear candling station has been set up, bathtubs overflowing with enzyme-rich cedar mulch have been rolled into position near Blackoutman, and even one of those archaic weight-loss machines with the shaky belt made popular by the Three Stooges is currently being installed in the Executive Boredroom. In an effort to head future problems off at the pass, an electron microscope has been set up at the Mary Tyler Poppins of VICE’s desk (Melissa “Spoonful of Raw Cane Juice” Burgos), to screen hair strands for toxins. Loose-flowing batik office caftans and Roman sandals are even worn by the Execs to facilitate a proper oxygen-to-exposed-skin surface ratio. The big loser in all of this is Peter Luger’s. The long preferred VICE haunt for red meat is now on the “no visit list,” along with Bungalow 8 and Central Park. We have said it before, but indeed VICE is a revolution. Like cults?


PS: Our health insurance provider is very interested in testing results.