Monday, January 02, 2006

I Am Not Gay But...

The gang here at VICE spent much of this holiday season waffling over bilinis at brunches about whether or not to see Brokeback Mountain. We love rugged individualism and rolls in the hay but some were afraid the subject matter might prove too enticing for our hedonistic sensibilities. But before we could muster up the manpower to untrap ourselves from our closets, after seeing what had happened to R. Kelly, we allowed our friend Larry David take the lead with a Times Op-Ed..

New York Times
January 1, 2006
Op-Ed Contributor

Cowboys Are My Weakness

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

Not that there's anything wrong with it.


Anonymous said...

Larry David...what a genius.

johm martin said...

jews are just smarter ask my girlfriend!

janehorses said...

This was even funnier the first time - when Larry David was producing Seinfeld - and he already wrote this. It was Jerry's monologue at the end of the episode where George gets a massage from a guy and "it moves". Went like this:

"What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think,"Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"

Crap Piley said...

Saw the movie and thought it was great. The best thing to come "out" of it was my recommendation to my young pal Ryan and his lovely lady. They HATE most things and as of 1/11/06 they hate "Brokeback Mountain" and me! Somehow that makes me happier than Jack Twist in a Mexican man-boy cruising spot!


the running mule

the running mule