Saturday, October 04, 2008

The Juice Is No Longer Loose

The OJ Simpson murder trial was a spectacle hijacking American culture for much of 1995. Simpson was able to use his cultural fame as an American footballing hero to escape prosecution but inexplicably the Juice has blown his get out of jail free card and will be sentenced to prison on December 5, 2008.

The Greek tragedy template can hardly be ignored. In the first trial, OJ's fame and fortune were used day in day out as a reason to proclaim his innocence. The evidence of the murder investigation was secondary to the question why would a man so handsome, so successful and such a damn good football player risk his freedom for one woman when there were hundreds waiting in the wings. Johnny Cochran's magic was real and against all odds OJ was loose again. But almost from that very day of freedom his fall has been predicted. He just seemed too crazy.

Orenthal James "O. J." Simpson has been almost a comically bad citizen since that first trial. The irony is the crime in Vegas was a bungled attempt to recover the trappings insulating OJ from jail the first time. He was on a failed hero quest to steal the things that had once marked him a hero. Some signed pictures and footballs, etc. Because sports is merely soap opera for men this is a neatly tied tragic bundle. Get your t-shirts, sportsfan.

This time I doubt many people are pulling for anything but prison for the formerly elusive Simpson. The fall is complete. And the Greek for OJ in prison may be more than just theater.

Friday, October 03, 2008

To lay off or not to lay off, that is the question



After a number of lost weekends and unsuccessful business trips, the ever intrepid entrepreneur Lyndon James is back in the thick of things with a new self help project. Based on the model masterminded by Bill Wilson, Lyndon hopes to put the fun back into sobriety with this list of the things that just taste better without the tequila shot.


10 reasons to lay off the sauce for awhile
1. daily sounds start to come come back;
2. keys, wallet and cell phone are surprisingly in their proper place;
3. fewer mysterious bruises and side pains;
4. 2" come off your girth from less gas;
5. you can smell your coffee and taste food;
6. the aneurysm egg yoke in your brain is gone;
7. no more forced sexual sessions with your wife at 4:30 am
8. moisturer skin;
9. you start finding $20's in your clean laundry;
10. you will start feeling sexier about yourself....

But in a typical yet brilliant businessman hedge he has now released his list of reasons to get back on the bottle. Talk about book sales!

10 reasons NOT to lay off the sauce for awhile
1. more wild rides;
2. the night is your friend again;
3. chance encounters increase ten fold;
4. because your more fun when you do;
5. gateway adventures come into full play;
6. late night porn becomes one of your major hobbies;
7. finding lost items becomes fun and rewarding;
8. nudity becomes a natural part of your personality;
9. no more bad dreams;
10. life seems more like living..

To lay off? Or not to lay off?


And keep in mind that unlike Michael Jordan with the shoes and Lance Armstrong with the bike, Lyndon doesn't need the booze to make it happen. Roll video.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Beyond the Palin

When I was a kid having a beautiful but dumb gal on your arm was cool. Preferably one who didn’t ask too many questions. These dimwitted babes operated purely on emotion. Any discussion that didn’t involve tan lines or the temperature of Cold Duck was pointless. Sure there were dreamy reminisces of a hometown’s simplicities but mostly it was exactly like you would expect when dating a Kim Cattrall.

The worst of it was that these kittens never got jokes. And rehashing punch lines to even the most beautiful women is tedium. It takes the fun out of the funny. The endless explaining of the mechanics and irony and references of humor was the only thing that turned me away from a lifetime of free gas station credit card purchases and sex in public. I learned the long and hard way that smart women were more fun, though mind you I'm not complaining about the road traveled.



This leads to the reason why I'm worried about Sarah Palin. She’s got the babe part down and if elected will undoubtedly have the best tan lines to ever preside over the Senate. I just don’t know if she’s smart or not. And smarts is all I want in these people. She appears to have some verbal zingers in her quiver which is nice but she employs them solely in obfuscation or once in awhile in defending her home state’s dreamy simplicity. Palin’s quips never zing with the hum of substance but rather with a kind of hot for teacheresque BDSM. I'm afraid she's nothing more than generic republican emotion. Not being able to name any Supreme Court rulings or recall what she reads is weird but I'm more concerned that if she can't get a simple joke like "Why don’t women have brains?” we're truly doomed. So at tonite's Vice Presidential Debate, I hope Joe Biden tells Sarah Palin at least one joke for the good of the Union. I gotta know.

Punchline: cuz they don’t have a dick to put them in.

The Minnesota Independent put together a nice piece on Palin's religious extremism.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Skirting The Issue

Look hating on Richard Kern is easy. He's a weirdo who wants to take naughty pictures of your gal. But you have to admit the guy has got some gig. Check out his new show at Feature, Inc. beginning tomorrow. The opening will be as New York as downtown New York events get. So follow your mom's advice, put on clean underwear and prance over. As for the rest of your panties, sell them on ebay. A gal's gotta make a living after all.

No word yet of Vans designing a Richard Kern limited edition mirrored slip on shoe, but I am all for it.

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Monday, September 29, 2008

The Black Lips are Riotous



The Black Lips are the most awesome band in the world for about 5 minutes per show. I could write about them all afternoon but this video from the Heaven Club in London is really all you need to see.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Let's Get This Party Started *

The ten days starting with Rosh Hashanah and ending with Yom Kippur are commonly known as the Days of Awe (Yamim Noraim) or the Days of Repentance. This is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and repent before Yom Kippur. Around here repentance can be quite time consuming.

One of the ongoing themes of the Days of Awe is the concept that G-d has "books" that he writes our names in, writing down who will live and who will die, who will have a good life and who will have a bad life, for the next year. These books are written on Rosh Hashanah, but our actions during the Days of Awe can alter G-d's decree. The actions that change the decree are teshuvah, tefilah and tzedakah," repentance, prayer, good deeds (usually, charity). These "books" are sealed on Yom Kippur. This concept of writing in books is the source of the common greeting during this time is "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year."

Among the customs of this time, it is common to seek reconciliation with people you may have wronged during the course of the year. The Talmud maintains that Yom Kippur atones only for sins between man and G-d. To atone for sins against another person, you must first seek reconciliation with that person, righting the wrongs you committed against them if possible.

Another custom observed during this time is kapparot. Basically, you purchase a live fowl, and on the morning before Yom Kippur you waive it over your head reciting a prayer asking that the fowl be considered atonement for sins. The fowl is then slaughtered and given to the poor (or its value is given). Some Jews today simply use a bag of money instead of a fowl.

And that concludes this Sunday's service. Peace Be With You

Ed. note: This picture has nothing to do with Rosh Hashanah but everything to do with getting parties started!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Heaven's Chef: Kenny Shopsin


Kenny Shopsin is famously known for hating publicity and because of his cranky eccentricities, Shopsin remains my culinary hero as opposed to the other Lower East Side of Manhattan magician, Wylie Dufresne. For starters take a look at Shopsin's goddamn menu. His crazed improv-short-order cook cum screaming magic bean buying savant style is one of the last great joys of eating in New York City.



THE PHILOSOPHY
My approach at Shopsin's is the exact opposite of "the customer is always right." Until I know the people, until they show me that they are worth cultivating as customers, I'm not even sure I want their patronage.



If you subscribe to Tasting Table or read Counter Culture obsessively, you will love Matt Mahurin's documentary I Like Killing Flies which really dives into the soup to nuts and bolts story of Kenny.

The old Shopsin's location in Greenwich Village was legendary but Kenny is still working the magic at the new location in Essex Street Market. So go see him but beware: He bites. Or just buy the book already.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Uncle Sam, Will You Please Buy My Shitpile?

If the American taxpayers are gonna give Treasury Secretary Paulson a blank check to bail out the shareholders of busted banks then I fucking want help. We all have bad assets, right? And since it's our money in the kitty to begin with, I suggest we (US citizens only) all demand reimbursement for fiscal boners committed while under the influence or debts incurred while working tirelessly for pennies at megahit websites.

Add your shit to the pile. It's fun

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Bad & The Beautiful is getting hitched today

Rarely can any us of turn back the clock to a time when we looked dazzling and hip. Most of us merely limp along just behind the leading edge of fashion picking up second hand tips and last week's cool from generous friends or oblivious lovers. But to have a 90's photo in the archive complete with platinum hair, the still vibrant colors of a fresh sleeve, cool adidas kicks, and a radio flyer wagon loaded with pre-mixed margaritas, that should be at the top of every wish list. Studs come in all sizes and shapes but I assure you our man Trevor Silmser was a darling of the era. Can you say, hardcore?

UPDATE: TREVOR FOREVER IS OFFICIALLY OFF THE MARKET, LADIES, TODAY HE IS GETTING MARRIED!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

FOX Loves Buttholes



Kind of a sweet piece for so dastardly a character.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Fuck the Gowanus Canal - Can We Please Party?

We chose Gowanus as the location for the 3rd Annual Celebrity $HAKEDOWN not only cuz it has draw bridges and toxic canals but because it is the best neighborhood in NYC. And now its home to the best music venue The Bell House. Besides what are a few poisoned oysters among the hipperati.

The ignominious James Stockbauer has tentatively agreed to MC the event in a purple velour jacket he claims to have purchased for the occasion from Saks 5th Ave. Or perhaps the velour is just a fun coincidence. You can email here And might i suggest, Subject: Can We We Please Party Sept 20th?

Oh, that reminds me, Ben Ritter, he is planning to sue you. Sorry to bring that up here.

Trust me the event will be a gas. The club is fucking cool, the stageFARM really does rock, KiDz in the Hall, Blitz the Ambassador and The Back C.C's will destroy and yours truly will be there glad handing each and every one of you. Plus Stockbauer does not disappoint unless your are naive enough to expect him to MC an event with professionalism. Like Sabotaging your own event?



THIS POST APPEARS COURTESY OF RIOT STYLE
So, our loyal Admiral Stockbauer flaked at the last minute and the show at The Bell House was left without an MC. Fortunately consummate showman Gibby Haynes stepped up to the plate and introduced the Back CC’s. Thus we must call out our dear old pal, proprietor of the Long Branch Inn and Scoot Inn in sunny Austin, TX and his Merry Band of Lawyers™.


Take us on, Stockbauer. Take us on.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Rest in Peace David Foster Wallace



It's not often you read a book and think wow this dude is genius. And when you watch DFW you get the same feeling wrapped in protective admiration. He was smart and he was a good guy. His death is a bummer bigger than literature. If you are curious for more listen to the KCRW interviews with DFW.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My 9/11

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I was staring at lower Manhattan, trying to wrap my mind around the improbable idea that a plane was lodged inside 1 World Trade Center. Scorched trading-floor papers were blowing across the harbor toward South Brooklyn when the sound of an engine redlining, struggling like it was about to blow up, began to dominate. It was all sound.

Then came the slowest-moving “black” airborne object I've ever seen, arcing low and slow over my head. It seemed almost to stop in midair, hanging just above me as it changed direction, the engines straining and roaring before suddenly catching hold and flinging it back toward Manhattan. I could feel it disrupting the air around me.

It looked black to me, like a plane without markings, and I assumed it was a reconnaissance or rescue plane. It turned out to be United Airlines Flight 175. An instant later, with unimaginable force, it slammed into the South Tower, and I almost jumped out of my skin, backing quickly, instinctively, against a wall. My first thought was: whatever is happening, I'm way too close. My second thought was Osama bin Laden. And I'm no genius.

The fireball caused by the strike of UA 175 was so vibrant and immediate it was like I was watching a movie. My eyes felt untrustworthy, and I even asked a Jamaican dude standing next to me, “Did I just see that?” I wasn't prepared to process what had happened. No one is.

Watching those buildings tumble with the naked eye was beyond surreal. The dust and debris quickly followed, accompanied by a sound like Godzilla tearfully roaring across New York Harbor. At the time I didn't have a TV, so for weeks I would have nothing with which to compare my almost psychedelic experience.

That evening, as I was sitting by the radio, staring at the hole in the sky and breathing in the wretched stench, my old pal Stephen Schubert suggested we go see the site for ourselves. I jumped on my bike and rode over the Brooklyn Bridge toward the site, as nervous as I've ever been.

The nights of September 11 and 12, 2001, we spent probably 16 hours exploring and trying to help in the area around Lower Manhattan. You could go anywhere at that time. It was like a George Romero movie: pulverized debris, fires, and a host of zombied emergency workers. But mostly abandonment. Quiet. Ghastly. No reporters, no sightseers, no homeless. We drank beer and wandered, wondering innocently how all the buildings could have fallen down so completely. It seemed even a movie couldn't have come off that perfect. People are still wondering. Me? I can't wrap my head around any of it.

Schubert always contended that mischief was afoot. But today he's dead, the towers that so dominated this city are gone, and Osama, too, has vanished like a puff of devilish smoke.

At times, I dream of Schubert lying in wait for Osama Bin Laden in some otherworldly way station, ready to rip his turban off and lay a “flying ham sandwich” on the so-called Sheikh. The thought of his hairy white ass flying through the air and knocking that tower of a Muslim phony flat on his back is one of the few things that makes the memories bearable.

Linked below is the most personal footage of 9/11 I've ever seen.

11:45 into the video, United 175 strikes the South Tower—the very moment I experienced from Brooklyn. The camera wobbles noticeably. Her reaction is palpable: “Oh my God, what is going on?” Then, trying to make sense of what they've just seen, she says, “It was a military plane,” and someone else in the room repeats it. But then you realize there is no turning back, and somehow that is still the most unimaginable thing of all. ~ What We Saw.

RELATED POSTS:
How To Beat The Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Blues
Broadcasting Be Gone, Bye Bye TV
Man on Wire - The Artistic Crime of the Century
9/11 A Day Beyond Belief

Man on Wire - The Artistic Crime of the Century



Philippe Petit's daring, but illegal, high-wire routine performed between New York City's World Trade Center's twin towers in 1974 is a nice trip back to a time before our memories were corrupted by 9/11. You should see it.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Like Protest?



Protest like these guys here

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Lyndon Baines Johnson

Today is the 100th anniversary of the birth of LBJ, one of the great political dazzlers of all time. A genuine hard-ass, hell-raisin' Texas sumbitch. Without him, Obama wouldn't have a chance at even eyeing the prize currently within his grasp but rarely does LBJ get mentioned much these days. George Packer of the New Yorker recalls the man who with faults galore still tried to do Civil Rights and MLK justice. Cat was truly larger than life. His deeds as President make JFK's pale in comparison.

I nominate August 27th LBJ Day-- a no shit taking holiday.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Iraq: Life & Death in Hell


War is a bad trip. Hell, even fern bar fights can make the most devout proponents of violence wobbly for a few days. But reading David Bellavia’s, account of battling jihadist jacked to the gills on epinephrine in the bowels of Iraq has lead me the only imaginable conclusion: “Allahu Mat.” (God is dead.) Apologies to Nietzsche, Muhammad & Yahweh.

The bad news continues as Captain Sims closes the laptop and turns to us. “We expect the insurgents have stockpiled drugs. We’ll be facing fighters hopped up on dope again.” Here’s a some logic from the book:


“I look over at [Staff Sergeant Colin] Fitts, and I know what he’s thinking. If this is true, these guys are going to be hard to kill. In Muqdadiyah, my squad watched a drug-crazed Mahdi militiaman charge Cory Brown’s Bradley. The gunner blasted him with coax machine-gun fire, shredding his legs. He tumbled off the Bradley and flopped face up onto the street. As we approached him, he started to laugh. The laughter grew into a hysteria-tinged cackle, then ended with a bone-chilling keen. That froze us cold. Watching us with wild eyes, he then pulled a bottle of pills out of a blood-soaked pocket and drained its contents into his mouth. Then he went for something under his jacket. Thinking he was about to detonate a bomb vest, three of us opened fire and riddled him with bullets. We shot and shot until he finally stopped moving.

Leaving my men behind, I went to investigate the corpse. His right arm was torn off. His legs were nothing but punctured meat. Most of his face was gone, and only a bloody lump remained of his nose. Both eyes had been shot out. I put a boot on his chest. The Mahdi militiaman didn’t move. I kicked him. No movement. Given how many times he had been shot, I didn’t expect anything else, but just to be sure, I shot him twice in the stomach. Then I marked him with a chem light so the body disposal teams could find him later that night.

A few minutes later, a Blackhawk landed and we started loading wounded insurgents into it. While we worked, two men carried the shattered husk of that Mahdi militiaman to the helicopter. To our astonishment, he was still alive. Blood bubbles burbled up through his mangled nose and mouth. Blind, in agony, he still managed to scream through broken teeth and punctured lungs. We loaded him on the helicopter and never saw him again.

We later discovered the Mahdi militia had gained access to American epinephrine — pure adrenaline that will keep a heart pumping even after its owner has been exposed to nerve gas or chemical weapons. A dude with that in his system is almost superhuman. Short of being blown to pieces with our biggest guns, he’ll keep fighting until his limbs are severed or he bleeds out.”

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Read House To House: An Epic Memoir of War
 

the running mule

the running mule