The VICE of Golf

So in the immediate and foggy aftermath of SXSW, the powers that be here at VICE were summoned to Arizona for an Urban-themed meeting of the minds in the desert. This particular shindig was put together by the infamous Malbon Brothers for Toyota Scion to launch its “Release” sportswear collection at a fashion show MC'd by Sicky Ricky Powell in conjunction with a Swinging Celebrity Golf Invitational. Now it goes without saying that Canadians know very little about golf. It’s like asking a Texan about water-skiing.

So you can imagine, the odds were thoroughly stacked against the VICE team bringing home the first place trophy, especially when slated against such masters of the pitch and putt as Raekwon, Mike Jones, GrandMaster Flash, Biz Markie, NFL players Haloti Ngata, Dhani Jones and Damien Anderson, pro skateboarder Stevie Williams, Jesse Terrero, Rick Thorne, Dania Ramirez, Mobb Deep and MOP. Teams included Vibe Magazine, Stuff Magazine, Frank151, Mass Appeal, Yokohama, Soul Assassins, NFL Players Inc., XM Satellite Radio, Boost Mobile, and the homeboys from Reebok’s “Barrio” line.

But instead of folding, and with no instruction other than to “yell ‘Fore!’ the very instant you think there is any chance that the ball you just struck may hit anybody,” the stalwarts of VICE decided to make the best of it and create the VICE Guide To Golf. Look for this bit of amateurish insight in finer pro shops on the TPC circuit this summer. The advice about yelling “Fore” was completely unnecessary, as tee shots rarely even made it to the women’s tee! And when that emasculating event occurred, the guys from Reebok made the boys wear skirts for the remainder of the hole. (Hint: On 13 out of 18 holes, someone’s balls were blowing in the breeze. And the unforeseen hard part about this rule: getting the skirts back after the hole is completed.) Like dress up?

As for the remainder of the action on the fairways and in the sand traps, what they lacked in technical wizardry, they made up for in stylish posturing, walking off with the best-dressed award in a so fresh, so clean sweep of the voting. There was also an unmentioned honorable mention for most enthusiastic, but that mainly had to do with getting left behind by the 500-strong tournament at the end of the day and not immediately bursting into tears, but rather continuing to play on like drunken vaudevillians.

Here Jermey Piven, host of the weekends’ festivities, is forced to painfully conceded that VICE does indeed rule as he hands over the most coveted prize of the evening for best dressed participants, in front of a thoroughly bewildered crowd of urban baggy pantsers drinking Hennesy like it was cool-aid and they were on fire.

THE VICE GUIDE TO GOLF