Opiate is the Religion of the Bastards

In "Seeds of Terror: How Heroin Is Bankrolling the Taliban and al Qaeda," Gretchen Peters outlines the union of narco-traffickers, terrorist groups, and the international criminal underworld making bad stuff happen. It's clear and disconcerting that events happening today were set in motion by what took place in Afghanistan in the 1980s and 1990s. Listen to Peters on the Leonard Lopate Show to discuss the labyrinthine connections between terrorism, the American government, and the heroin trade that have come together to create a the real axis of evil. It's quite narcotic.




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Jacked To The Gills: Mumbai Terrorists on LSD & Coke

Just like the Mahdi militiamen of Fallujah, it turns out the Lashkar-e-Taibat in Mumbai were out of their minds on drugs. The Pakistani bred terrorists used the nominally recreational drugs of lsd and coke to prolong their murderous rampages.


So to recap the current world at war drug sponsors: Somali pirates have their khat, the Taliban musketeers have their heroin, the Mahdi army has their epinephrine and now the Paki's have lsd and cocaine.

But what in the name of pharmacology is propping up our American GI's in the face of this mind bending enemy? 3.2 'near beer' and extra strength Tylenol? This is a psychotropic culture war America should be able to creatively dominate. We invented the 60's! Can't we co-opt some of our Latin American cocaine buddies like Reagan did with the Contras and turn the tables on these drug gobblin zealots? In the meantime, someone in Williamsburg please call your guy, our fighting men and women need spacefood STAT!

Who knew our homegrown epitome of debauchery the Merry Pranksters would one day become the raison d'être for religious psychopaths the world over. Mercy!

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UPDATE: And Another Reason To Hate The Taliban

As we pointed out on 10/03/08, the Taliban, like some James Bond supervillian are attempting to corner the market on opium. Not since Auric Goldfinger starting painting prostitutes gold has such an insidious plot been hatched. The Taliban are pushers plain and simple, able to justify anything for their fucked up beliefs. Goldfinger at least had style and put his treasure to use in some original, albeit mad scientist ways. His obsession with gold was explicitly sexually: the yellow briefs, a collection of yellow-jacketed pornographic books and his penchant for fucking gold-painted women. He traveled in a yellow-painted car, employed a blonde secretary and even had a ginger cat. Though the cat was sadly eaten by Oddjob, his Korean henchman, who in hindsight and despite fricasseeing said feline seems a much better guy than the Taliban's Mullah Omar.

Goldfinger's colorful crimes were endearing compared to a hardline bunch of ignorant, psychotic fiends embracing pseudo-science and fairy tales of genies and angels. Caught in the grip of Muslim orthodoxy, the Taliban champion revelation over reason and predestination over free will. Like Mao they fear educated masses more than anything and their damning of mathematics as being against Islam is just one of the ethical glitches in their arch-evil manipulation of opium market forces. You have to wonder if these charlatans in beard and robe are dark age authoritarians who just need an Ian Fleming-type PR flack spinning 'drug dealer as hero tales' from the back of the cave.

Another Reason To Hate The Taliban

The verb "to bogart" was born of hippies dangling joints from their mouths like half-baked Humphery Bogarts. More specifically "bogarting" or "hogging" refers to the forgetfulness/selfishness of being slow to pass the joint along to others. Pot smoking, you see, is collectivist by nature.


Now I hear the Taliban have adopted this stoner affliction and are bogarting opium for chrissakes. Despite the pre-historic garb and theological handicapping these crafty bastards are working the markets of capitalism like Wharton School grads. By gathering all the poppies and hording the opium they are manipulating supply and demand while simultaneously attacking us at our core values. A hatred of our fun-loving, devil may care lifestyle is the root of the Taliban's distinctly and ironically anti-American, American behavior. In turning our own economic weapons against us vis-à-vis market manipulation they're infringing upon our god given right to illegal drugs at a fair price. So yet another reason to hate the Taliban - they're free market capitalists!

Heroin is a nightmare but opium makes for a nice rainy day lounge about, so if you're a generation DIYer head down to the Chelsea Flower Market and buy some poppies before the price blows through the roof. Hint

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UPDATE: And Another Reason To Hate The Taliban
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Opiate is the Religion of the Bastards