Operation Condor

This is the text of a certified but fake letter concocted for giggles after a debaucherous visit to NYC by Mr Flakebower. It's certified date marked the beginning of the incessant lawyering associated with legal treachery. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.



Mr. Jameson Flakebower
**** Newtown
South Austin, TX

May 23, 2006

Dear Mr. Flakebower:

This letter serves to inform you that you have been identified in surveillance tapes as being in criminal possession of a suspected controlled substance.

In compliance with New York City’s “Operation Condor” narcotics enforcement drive, surveillance cameras have been installed at Blue Ribbon Sushi Restaurant as one of the known locations where public drug use occurs. On the evening of Sunday, April 2, 2006, you were captured on tape inhaling what appears to be a controlled substance. Our staff members identified you in conjunction with credit card records.

Blue Ribbon Sushi, as well as all of the Blue Ribbon restaurants in New York City, are proud to participate in narcotics enforcement. Bruce and Eric Bromberg, founders of the Blue Ribbon Group, were deeply saddened by the loss of their younger sister, Emily, to an overdose of heroin in 2004, and have since fully enlisted themselves in the fight against drugs, both at their restaurants, and in their daily lives.

As a resident of Austin, TX you are not a core target for the narcotics enforcement operation. Therefore, we have referred your case to the Travis County Drug Diversion Court in Texas.

It is your responsibility to contact the intake counselor assigned to your case, Geri Coyle, at (512)
854-9830, where you will be given “A Chance to Change” and enrolled in the S.H.O.R.T. program (System of Healthy Options for Release and Transition). The Travis County Drug Diversion is located at 205 West 9th St., Suite 500, Austin, TX.

The Drug Diversion Court is a year-long program that offers a broad array of treatment referrals and in-house alcohol and drug education classes. Any and all charges will be dropped with the successful completion of the S.H.O.R.T. Program.

It is imperative that you contact your intake counselor, Geri Coyle, lest criminal charges be levied against you. If you fail to comply with this mandate, Blue Ribbon Restaurant Group will proceed with legal action. This proceeding will also target your business, and any property you might own.

It is the belief of Bruce and Eric that their sister could have been saved by the right intervention, and they encourage all drug users to seek treatment and take self-responsibility for becoming and remaining drug free.

I hope you will seek help, Mr. Flakebower, before your career, your family and your life is ended by drugs.

Sincerely,

Chloe Hopkins
Community Relations
Blue Ribbon Sushi Group

When the Honeymoon Is Really Over

We all know breaking up is hard to do. And becauseVICE is harder on relationships than a South Beach swingers club many of our love lives are teetering perilously over the brink (private wagering is encouraged) I decided a few hints might make the heartache a bit easier to swallow. Like gulping? Unless you're a lucky participant of some intern romance turned happily-ever-after, breakups are an unavoidable part of our lives. And while it's up to you to decide your individual breakup style, if you want to avoid future bad relationship karma, and limit the tantrums, you'll adopt a few breakup basics--especially if your boyfriend has more X-chromosomes than you. Just keep your eye on the prize and remember that a clean split can be more rewarding than the relationship ever was. Just ask Heather Mills.

STEPS

1. Pick an appropriate place. The less public, the better. Remember, ending a relationship is a humbling experience. Don't do it in a place where the person on the receiving end is going to feel more vulnerable than necessary.
   
2. Choose the right time. Avoid holidays and special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries at all costs. Do you really want your ex remembering your insensitivity every time that day rolls around?
   
3. Do it in person. If the relationship is relatively new, maybe you can get away breaking up over the phone. But come on, if you've been out on more than a handful of dates, isn't that kind of harsh?
   
4. Be honest but sensitive. No one likes to get dumped. But we at least appreciate the truth when it's over. Unless, of course, the truth is you've stopped finding us attractive, you've met someone better, or that you're just plain bored with us.
   
5. Keep your emotions in check. Don't seem too happy about the breakup. But then again, don't come off as mean-spirited either. Just be kind, caring, and considerate. You can high five your friends later.
   
6. Don't react. Some people don't handle rejection well. Some people yell, scream, cry. Yes, that sucks. But it doesn't mean you should react to their meltdown. Remember, rejection is tough. You've already got the upper hand by being the dumper. Let the dumpee behave ridiculously if they choose to. And if their tantrum escalates, get the heck out of there.
   

TIPS

• If you handle yourself well during the breakup, chances are you'll avoid any hard feelings with your ex. And while that may not seem so important at the time, it's vital to your future relationship karma!
  
• The term "break-up" implies a hard stop. But, often, a break-up is really a change in the nature of a relationship, where friendship remains, but a closer physical connection, and a desire to build a life together, is taken away. Try to look at breaking up in a more positive way, and see how it can transform your relationship.
  
• Think about why you want to break up with them (i.e. you may suspect/hear rumors that they are cheating on you). Ask them FIRST. Everybody hates when you break up with them for a reason that isn't even true.
  
• Think about how maybe if you want out, they might too. Ask them where they think it's going. If something is making being together painful tell them that being together is hurting you. (i.e long distances)
  

WARNINGS

• Weigh in carefully on your decision to break up, without analyzing it to death. Is this really what your heart wants? You may not be able to reverse your decision once it's made, and may burn bridges in the process. Could you forgive yourself if you broke up with the man/woman of your dreams?

• Avoid Cliches. If the person has heard it before it may come off as insensitive.

VICE Sneakeasy

This morning the shoe fairy, disguised in UPS browns, delivered four large boxes to our office. Inside were probably the most personality-appropriate shoes we’ve ever seen. Classic adidas shoes made of white denim and goat leather, and inspired by the Old Blue Last, our pub in London. They have a pink pinstripe lining which corresponds to a fabric from our Spring 2006 shirt line with Seize Sur VICE. Plus, you can choose either pink laces for tennis dates or white laces for cultured catered affairs. Like fancy pants?

Goat leather and white denim aside, our favorite part of the shoes is the custom powder and straw set! The laces have tiny silver straws emblazoned with the VICE logo and a matching, functional VICE razorblade. We wouldn’t be surprised if there are a few bloody septums on Monday-—especially the interns’. Watch the drips!

Our snow white shoes were designed by Mr. Gavin McInnes - and curious viewers can see his explanation of the design (as well as footage from the day last August when the photoshoot had everyone in pink panties!) here. Jealous much? The VICE adicolor Old Blue Last edition will be available at adidas Originals stores and selected other outlets on May 20th.

Fat Bottom Girls Get on Your Bikes and Ride

You say coke I say caine
You say John I say Wayne
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile I say cheese
Cartier I say please
Income tax I say Jesus
I don't wanna be a candidate
For Vietnam or Watergate
Cos all I want to do is
Bicycle bicycle bicycle

Yacht Out With Your Cock Out

Our US Navy boys are coming home from Iraq drapped in bathing beauties just like the old time heroes did after V-E Day. The only difference is the men look a little softer and pinker than in they did back in the 40's. But then again not much call for sailors in Iraq so maybe it is a pretty cush deployment. The dames, however--Ou la la! Like friggin in the riggin?

Blind Leading The Blind

If your pay checks are signed by S. Alvi and R. Bisson then you are family. Whether you are employed by VICE Magazine, VICE Recordings, or Addvice, you are still a representative of the VICE family name. However, as with every family there is always sibling rivalry. Although unspoken, everyone knows that an unbridled pissing match between VICE Magazine’s ad sales team and Addvice’s staff has raised bars but also caused riffs. The tension is palpable.

But when the shit hits the fan, the old adage “blood is thicker than water” has never rung so true at VICE. The most recent display of filial camaraderie comes in the wake of the Toronto Adicolor party where a very austere and very sauced Sarah Wyse of Addvice was forced to throw out a couple of party goers. Literally. The ensuing action resulted in Sarah grabbing a blind girl by the scruff and hurling her down a flight of stairs. Apparently the blind girl is crying discrimination and abuse but we think she’s really crying sour grapes from getting her ass handled. The general public may frown upon such actions but here at VICE we applaud Sarah’s decision to trounce the disabled and will support her through thick and thin. Go Sarah.